| (no subject) |
[Apr. 5th, 2005|10:48 pm] |
I think I shouldn't do anything tomorrow but write. I have a lot of work to make up. I am a terrible student and have been since I left high school. I am going to bed soon.
For tomorrow,
1. Write news piece on state of public higher ed. in Mass.
2. Write satirical column on phony Fox News memos.
3. Write essay on the social construction of race.
4. Clean room and car out.
5. Prepare BOT report for Ex. Committee hearing, 12:15pm
I am going to wake up early and walk to the cafe for breakfast. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 3rd, 2005|03:48 am] |
the pope is dead. it's 3:48am, later than it would be a night ago. tomorrow i have three classes, five papers, two sections, and lunch, coffee, biscotti. i don't know why i stay up so late. i do it frequently. i just watched a good movie. "love the hard way," with adrien brody. amazing.
julie delpy is one of the most beautiful woman alive.
you can't disagree.
( i can't fucking get over it ) |
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| tae-bo advanced |
[Apr. 2nd, 2005|09:42 pm] |
losing weight, gettin' healthy, gettin' fit. argh. billy blanks can really kick your ass.
deja and i were EXTREMELY close to getting a studio on north st. for $85 a month!!! WITH HEAT AND ELECTRICITY!!!! It was from city councilor Lou Costi, too. Haha! Well, we didn't get it because some dumb bitch who looked at it before us nabbed it IMMEDIATELY after we left from looking at it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 10th, 2005|01:33 pm] |
The Fury of Abandonment
Someone lives in a cave
eating his toes,
I know that much.
Someone little lives under a bush
pressing an empty Coca-Cola can against
his starving bloated stomach,
I know that much.
A monkey had his hands cut off
for a medical experiment
and his claws wept.
I know that much.
I know that it is all
a matter of hands.
Out of the mournful sweetness of touching
comes love
like breakfast.
Out of the many houses come the hands
before the abandonment of the city,
out of the bars and shops,
a thin file of ants.
I've been abandoned out here
under the dry stars
with no shoes, no belt
and I've called Rescue Inc.--
that old-fashioned hot line--
no voice.
Left to my own lips, touch them,
my own dumb eyes, touch them,
the progression of my parts, touch them,
my own nostrils, shoulders, breasts,
navel, stomach, mound, kneebone, ankle,
touch them.
It makes me laugh
to see a woman in this condition.
It makes me laugh for America and New York City
when your hands are cut off
and no one answers the phone.
Anne Sexton |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 29th, 2004|01:25 am] |
my relationship with my mother is so absolutely fantastic now, really. it's perhaps the only happy part of my life right now. every single other part is bleak and depressing. i am going to boston this weekend and i really don't want to. i have to give a report and then a speech. i don't have the energy.
i hardly ate anything today. it's so weird. i went all day without a single thing--not a bite of anything at all--and i was fine, too. i only ate at night. i had dinner with deja and garrit at debbie wongs. we ordered so much food. i ate a regular meal.
it's late and i haven't written the papers i needed to write. and i can't focus enough to make anything out of my new short story. and i still haven't gone to Amherst to get the ASM accounts in order. I am so late in doing that; i will be murdered for sure by the Assembly. and i decided that i will just go to boston alone, actually. CS wanted to go but i really just need to go alone, you know. she's having sex with DK again and apparently they're going back out--but i had no idea. it's none of my business, i suppose. but i think it would be better for me to go on any road trips either alone or at least with someone who actually wants to go with me and not just satisfy some urge to break out and deal with whatever they get.
argh, i am writing a totally unedited entry. it's the only way i can write anyhting in this fucking thing. i phoned martha while i was walking aimlessly around the mall to get counsel. she says she wants me to write for some central MA newspaper she's working with. eh. i suppose i really need money--and i need to build my resume, so maybe. who knows. she wants me to go to the London School of Economics. but stacy wants me to go to the kennedy school of government. and i have a slight desire to stay in the state system. i don't fucking know.
christmas is upon me. we have a fake tree--the pinnacle of the commercial christmas--so i went out and bought a large, "mistletoe" yankee candle to give my room a more seasonal, holiday scent. it makes me happy.
whenever i'm not reading for my papers i read sartre. or camus. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 25th, 2004|10:04 pm] |
an odd, odd season so far. i've become a vegetarian recently. it's always so difficult to write in here.
today--thanksgiving--i worked 9am-3pm. and then i did nothing. no family gathering and no big dinner. i made myself some rice and drank iced green tea. that's it. my appetite has thankfully diminished as of late.
i am really lost lately. back in therapy. i don't think it's going to help--i only want the medication. country going to hell; i question whether DK will really be able to do something with CSH to counter the fundies. CS drove to Virginia to see DK and had a remarkable trip--perhaps a bad one--and she could have driven here in half the time with $200 to spend the long weekend with me in MA.
i think i am doing terribly this semester. i think i am just going to go to another college. or send my resume around and maybe work for a bit. who knows. maybe i should move? just move away somewhere and not tell anyone where i am--and keep my phone number contact information private. i feel so useless and unaccomplished. so wasted and wasteful. i do nothing important. i'm a fucking idiot!
and now my stalls are being torn down and most of my friends are pieces of shit and most people are out to get me, undermine me, render me powerless.
stacy tells me i have a lot of political capital for my age--but i really disagree. i feel powerless, out-of-touch and weak. i'm isolated and pathetic on the board.
i have to begin christmas shopping tomorrow. i don't know who to buy for. i don't know who my friends are--i don't know which family members i love. |
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| two weeks to get it back |
[Oct. 27th, 2004|01:27 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  anxious | ] |
| [ | music |
| | virginia dare - secret spy plane | ] |
effective monday, nov. 1, i will be off from work for at least two weeks. i will be focusing on me, myself, my life, my schooling, my bills and me. i have gone so far off plan. i am doing so badly. but then, i guess i always feel that way.
hopefully two weeks will be enough to make things better. i'm not sure what's going to happen. i am going to northampton tomorrow. the e-board has given me joint authority over all of ASM's accounts with the president. checks are coming in, new members are signing up. i have to begin my financial report for the general assembly. i will run for president then. i will win, too. the governor will cower before me.
argh. overall, in almost every part of my life, i am frustrated, confused and depressed. i cannot focus on anything. i can't write to save my life. my brain shuts down every time i try to write. even writing in here is a difficult chore.
things fall apart. |
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